Sexual excitement is a bit of mystery. We’ve all felt it at some time and hopefully we’ve experienced it more than once. And yet it is still a mystery in terms of understanding how it exists in some encounters and why it fails to show up in others.
I’m not talking about your “everyday lay”; I’m talking about that really hot peak sexual adventure that is fuelled by an incredibly high level of sexual excitement. You know ... that kind.
What is the nature of that excitement and how can you get more of it into your life?
According to Jack Morin, Ph.D, author of the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism, peak sexual excitement is all about obstacles. He proposes an erotic equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement.
You need to start out with an attraction to your partner – that’s a given – but to really fuel the fire, you need to add an obstacle. It is the obstacle that drives sex into a peak sexual encounter. I’m not talking about your typical obstacle course, here, our sexuality, like our humanity, is as complex as our obstacles.
Morin has suggested that, for most of us, our obstacles can be found in one of four areas: longing and anticipation, violating prohibitions, searching for power and overcoming ambivalence.
There is nothing like longing for someone you either can’t have or can’t have right now, to fuel excitement. Many people, when they reflect on a peak sexual encounter, will report that longing and/or anticipation was part of the mix.
Couples who are forced to be apart for some time often report that the moment of reunion coincides with a peak sexual encounter. The stuff of most romance novels and the Twilight phenomenon is based on longing and anticipation.
Violating prohibitions is all about breaking the sexual rules either enforced by society, your upbringing or your religion. The obstacle here is all about doing something you’re not supposed to be doing; it’s you being naughty and you know it ... and your partner, a consenting adult, knows it.
Having sex in a setting where you might get caught; having sex with a forbidden partner; anal, fetish or kinky sex, etc., are all obstacles that fuel excitement.
Searching for power is the giving yourself over to the power of another or taking the power from your willing partner. The role of power in sexual relationships is provocative. People who practise S/M or bondage and discipline have been able to expertly bring power into sex for peak excitement.
Surrendering to the desires of your partner is as erotic as the idea of “taking what you want” from your partner and making them give it up for you. That’s hot.
Overcoming ambivalence is about giving in to that person or that sexual experience you were previously waffling over. You know that guy who is really annoying, but somehow kinda hot, too?
Or giving in to that ex-girlfriend you’ve been trying not to go back to. Or perhaps trying that new sex thing your partner’s been pushing you to try; all of those things, once you give in to it, can lead to a peak sexual encounter.
You might identify with one or more of the obstacles above, or perhaps there is some other type of obstacle that really gets your mojo going. Unlocking your particular obstacle can be discovered by reflecting on your hottest sexual encounter: What were the key elements? What was the obstacle that fuelled the excitement?
Once identified, find a way to playfully bring an obstacle into your next sexual encounter. Remember, it doesn’t have to be extreme as Morin says, “Sometimes just a hint of naughtiness, a tease of anticipation, a whisper of domination is just the right amount.”

Patricia Bacon holds a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality.